


the voices speak too loud

by todreaminscarlet



Series: to ignore the devil's mastery [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Canon, Child Abuse, Gen, Pre-TFA, Psychological Trauma, Sad, for lack of a better description, i honestly don't know how to tag this, it's about snoke's early temptation of ben, mental voices, so pls don't read if that's triggering at all, what some might call
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-14 03:26:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5727943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/todreaminscarlet/pseuds/todreaminscarlet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben honestly can’t remember a time when the voices didn’t rattle in his brain. </p>
<p>OR, Snoke speaks to Ben early, and the voices grow increasingly harder to ignore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the voices speak too loud

**Author's Note:**

> This is sad. It's probably one of the saddest things I've ever written. I read too many metas, and then this happened. 
> 
> (I said this in the tags, but it's pretty psychologically draining, so if that is at all a challenge for you, I don't want this to be hard for you. I'm not trying to build this up into a torture piece or anything, but I don't want anyone to be caught off guard.)

Ben honestly can’t remember a time when the voices didn’t rattle in his brain.

 

They’ve always been there, in the back of his thoughts, prompting him, distracting him. They started when he was small, encouraging him, reminding him that he was _special_ , that he could feel things that others couldn’t, that if he looked at people (if they were weak enough), he could hear their thoughts. (They’re all so weak—the voices say he is that strong).

 

He doesn’t hear them all the time. Sometimes they’re quiet. Sometimes he can sit with his mom and just be happy and let her hug him (and he’s _safe_ , with her. Mom holds him really tight, and all he can hear is the _thump_ of her heart beating, and Mom’s arms are really soft and warm.) Sometimes he can sit with his dad in the Falcon and watch him fix things and know that his dad is really smart and awful strong (and he’s _happy_ , with him. Dad can be gruff sometimes, but he’ll pick him up and throw him over his shoulder and pretend he’s a sack of parts and he’ll tickle Ben’s side, and it doesn’t matter that Dad isn’t like him and Mom, ‘cause Ben knows Dad loves him a whole lot).

 

The voices tell him he’s strong.

 

_You’re like your grandfather_ , the voices say. _Just as strong as he was; you can be even stronger_. It’s hard not to listen to them. Ben wants to be strong; he wants to be powerful like Uncle Luke and like Mom, and he knows he can be. He can make people listen to him and he can listen to their thoughts, and Mom says it’s not polite but the voices always say _do it_ , and they’re happy when he does.

 

It’s easier to do it.

 

When it’s night, they tell him things, things about power and the Force, and they tell him his mother thinks he’s a bother and she could be doing great things if he wasn’t around (he tells himself the voices are wrong. Mom says she loves him and she gives him the warmest hugs.) The voices tell him that his father is _weak_ , that Ben could be stronger without a weak, Force-blinded man as his father (he tells himself the voices are wrong. Dad’s really strong and smart, and he always makes the Falcon work, no matter what goes wrong, and Ben knows that Dad’s always proud of him).

 

The voices keep speaking. ( _Ben, listen to me; Ben, you’re special; Ben, don’t listen to them_.)

 

* * *

 

He wakes in the night, the voices pounding in his head, and he goes to Mom’s room; she’s alone because Dad’s gone off on assignment, and he shakes her shoulder until she wakes up.

 

“Ben?” Mom asks sleepily, and then she notices the tears dripping down his face. “Ben?” she asks again and sits up in bed. “Darling, what’s the matter?”

 

Ben crawls into bed, and Mom wraps him in her arms, and Ben shudders. “Darling, talk to me,” Mom says, and Ben buries his face in her shoulder.

 

“The voices keep _talking_ ,” Ben cries, and Mom rocks him back and forth.

 

“What voices?” Mom asks.

 

“In my head,” Ben whispers.

 

“In your head?” Mom asks, but Ben doesn’t answer. Mom holds him and kisses his forehead, and he falls asleep in her arms (the voices don’t say anything the rest of the night).

 

* * *

 

Mom looks at him oddly after that. She stares at him like she’s searching for something that’s wrong, and it doesn’t bother him really, but the voices tell him it should. _She thinks something’s_ wrong _with you_ , the voices say. _She’s scared of you, scared of your power_ ; _she knows what you can be_. _She doesn’t love you_. Ben tries to argue at first (but it’s easier to be silent).

 

Mom keeps Ben close to her for the weeks that Dad’s gone. It’s fun to be with Mom, to see what Mom does and see that other people look up to her and know how powerful she is. And it’s fun to spend time with Mom and get to eat lunch with her and gets hugs _all day long_.

 

Dad comes back, and Mom and Dad have a Long Talk when they think he’s asleep. Ben crawls to the door and tries to listen, but he can’t hear anything.

 

Nothing really changes after that. Uncle Luke comes by, and Ben hasn’t seen him in ages, which is sad because Uncle Luke is the Best. He’s super funny, and he doesn’t treat Ben like a little kid, and he always takes Ben on adventures. The day after Luke arrives, he takes Ben out on one of their adventures and tells him stories of the places he’s been, and Ben _loves_ Uncle Luke.

 

Uncle Luke takes him to a diner for lunch, and as they sit, Uncle Luke says, “Your mom’s a little worried about you, Ben.” _She’s scared of you_ , the voices say. “She wanted me to ask if you felt okay and if anything was the matter.”

 

Ben looks at his plate, and he wants to tell Luke about all the voices and what they say, but they’re really loud in his head right now, and he just wants them to be quiet. _Don’t tell him, Ben_ , they say. _He won’t understand; he’ll be scared of you too_.

 

Ben doesn’t want Uncle Luke to be scared of him, and he doesn’t want Uncle Luke to be worried like that, so he smiles and says, “I’m fine, Uncle Luke. It was just a bad dream.” Uncle Luke doesn’t really look like he believes him, but he nods and they have an awesome day filled with adventures, and Ben tries to ignore the voices ( _you made the right choice_ , they tell him, and Ben doesn’t know whether or not he should be relieved).

 

* * *

 

Ben gets older, and it gets harder and harder to ignore them. They tell him how powerful he is and what he could do and how like his grandfather he is. They’re the only ones who will talk to him about him (about Vader). He asked his dad once, but Dad froze and brushed his question aside (“When you’re older,” his dad had said, and Ben gritted his teeth. The voices told him _now_ ; he’s clearly old enough, and if he’s powerful like his grandfather, then he should know him too.)

 

His mom’s really busy, and Ben knows that she loves him, but she’s off-planet a lot talking to people from the New Republic, and when she’s home she just looks _tired_. Sometimes, she doesn’t get home until really late, and she’ll just fall on the couch. Ben doesn’t like to see Mom so tired. He _misses_ her, no matter what the voices say, and so even though he should be in bed, he’ll creep over to the couch and crawl over next to her. Mom never tells him to go to bed. She always wraps her arms around him and falls back into the cushions and presses his head down on her chest. “Sleep, darling,” she says, and Ben’s always safe with Mom.

 

(It’s when she’s gone that it’s hard. It’s when she’s gone that the voices get really loud and tell him lots of things. When she’s gone, they tell him he’s a bother and that she’s worried about him and that she doesn’t want him. Even if Dad’s there, they’re loud. Ben wonders if they think Mom knows.)

 

He stops talking so much. The voices aren’t around _all_ the time, but they’re there a lot, and it’s easier to get lost in his head. It’s easier than thinking that maybe Mom doesn’t want him and Dad’s too weak; it’s easier to just sit and brood. Mom’s busy, and she doesn’t really notice it a lot, Ben thinks, so he just stays in his room.

 

* * *

 

 

One night, Mom and Dad call him down to dinner, and they start exchanging glances. Ben’s nervous, the voices are silent too for once, and Mom and Dad look uncertain, but then Mom places a hand on one of his, and tells him that he’s going away to Uncle Luke.

 

He thinks Mom can’t be right, that he heard wrong. They _love_ him, he knows it. They love him and they want him and they _can’t_ send him away. Sure, he loves Uncle Luke (loves Uncle Luke more than anyone else other than Mom and Dad), but he doesn’t want to leave them.

 

_I was right_ , he hears, and he wants to cry.

 

“Ben,” Mom says, and he looks at her angrily. “Luke will teach you how to control the Force, much better than Dad or I could. He’ll help you, and it’s for the best.”

 

_The Voices were right_ , Ben thinks, and suddenly he’s just _angry_. They were _right_ , all this time, and he’s been fighting them _so hard_ , and they’re _right_ , and he’s so confused and he _loves_ Mom and Dad, and doesn’t want to leave them.

 

Ben doesn’t respond, and Mom sighs, and Mom and Dad have one of their _looks_ where they are talking without saying anything.

 

“We’re taking you to Luke next week,” Dad says, and Ben’s face turns into a scowl.

 

Ben gets up from the table and storms away to his room, and he turns in a circle before lying on his bed and pounding the pillows with every bit of might in his tiny arms.

 

_It’s. Not. Fair._

 

* * *

 

Mom helps him pack his bags, and then, just as Dad said, they take him to Luke. They arrive on Yavin IV, and Luke’s waiting outside for them. He gives Ben one of his warm, _Uncle Luke_ smiles, but it doesn’t make him happy like normal, and so Ben turns his face to stare into the jungle. Uncle Luke leads them inside and to the room where Ben will stay, and then Mom pulls him into the hall. Dad tries to distract him with exploring the room, but it’s tiny anyway and Ben can hear Mom and Uncle Luke’s murmurs in the hall.

 

Mom and Dad stay for a while and eat dinner, but then evening begins to fall, and Uncle Luke and Ben go outside to say goodbye. Mom leans down and hugs Ben, and even though he’s mad and even though the voices were right, Ben holds on, ‘cause Mom’s hugs are still the best and the warmest, and if he holds on really tight, the voices aren’t that loud. Mom lets go though, and it feels like he’s really really cold. Dad kneels down and tustles his hair and pulls him into a hug. His hand covers the whole back of Ben’s head, and Ben holds on to Dad’s leather jacket.

“We love you,” Dad whispers, and Ben hopes it is true. “I’ll always come get you if you need me to.” Ben doesn’t know how to say that he doesn’t want Dad to leave.

 

Dad gets off the ground, and he and Mom get back on the ship. Ben tries so hard not to cry, but the tears come to his eyes anyway. Uncle Luke comes up behind him and places his hands on his shoulders and pulls him back to his chest. They stand there together, until the ship is long gone, and then Uncle Luke leads him back inside.

 

* * *

 

He stops fighting the voices so much after that. They were right about Mom and Dad. They did send him away, and Mom didn’t want him there, and Uncle Luke is more powerful than Dad and teaches him a lot more about the Force than either of his parents did.

 

(The voices were right about Mom and Dad. He wonders what else they are right about.)

 

* * *

 

Master Luke teaches him how to use his power, and he’s _good_ at it like Luke (like his grandfather). The voices tell him that his anger will help him, and when Luke doesn’t know it, sometimes he goes into the jungle and cuts something with his anger, and it feels _good_.

 

* * *

 

Everything spirals from there.

 

The voices get louder (are right again and again), his power grows stronger, and his anger keeps building and building.

 

* * *

 

It ends just a few years later, with a few minutes of destruction and terror. It is quicker to destroy than to build, he realizes, and he likes the sensation of power. He tears it all down so easily, and for once the voices are silent. It’s the fulfillment of years, and the satisfaction fills him to the brim.

 

But it only fills him for a second, and then it sweeps away like a wave on the shore, and it leaves him hollow and empty and _guilty_. It leaves him grasping for something that cannot be, for the love that he has alienated, for the Light that could have been his. It leaves him hungry for something the Dark cannot give him, desperate for fulfillment and contentment.

 

_Fill me_ , he begs, but no matter how he tries, it cannot. _Teach me_ , he asks, and however much it does, it is never enough. _Create me_ , he demands, and even though it does, he finds himself to be a flawed production.

 

The voices had been right about everything, and they had swirled in his brain until they were all he heard and their truths all he believed (and even still, he cannot help but question, cannot help but remember the warmth of his mother’s arm, and the twinkle in his father’s eyes, and the gentleness of his uncle’s smile. He cannot help but remember them, but the voices were right and the Dark gives him power, and it will build him until he can fulfill his grandfather’s legacy.)

 

He thinks his choices are simple (he lies).

 

* * *

 

He grows desperate over the years, desperate to prove himself and to be enough, and to show that he is more than his upbringing and more than the family that abandoned him. He is more than the namesake of a weak Jedi, more than just the nephew of the last Jedi, more than the son of a Forceless father.

 

So he kills his father. (It’s not that simple, and yet it is. His father holds his lightsaber and offers him a way home, like he promised so many years ago, and yet Ben decides it is too late, and he can be enough, that the voices were right, and so Ben clicks the button, and his father is gone.)

 

He kills his father.

 

It should have made him _strong_ ; it should have pushed away the light once and for all after doing this unforgivable crime, and yet it makes him _weak_ and through his cracks the light shines through, and the pain is unbearable, and he _loses_ the battle.

 

It should have made him strong.

 

(The voices were wrong.)

 

The doubt wrecks him. The guilt beats him. He pushes it aside, desperate, angry, hurting (he tries to forget the hand that had brushed his cheek and the eyes full of pain and the heart full of love, even to the end).

 

He had never been able to forget (and this, he think, is his greatest weakness).

 

(It should have made him strong. The voices were wrong.)

 

(The voices were wrong.)

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. 
> 
> (Drew, if you read this, I blame your messages, hence you.)


End file.
